Analyze This

I was listening to this song in the car earlier today and was slowly analyzing it while listening and realized that it

 speaks so much truth as to what us girls feel everyday. Read it or listen to it for yourself and post your

analysis if you want :) 

(I'll post mine tomorrow)

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Shinedown - Second Chance

My eyes are open wide
And by the way, I made it
Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way, I'm leaving out Today

I just saw Hayley's comet,
shoo-ting
Said ,"Why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"


[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of
What I have to say
This is my one and
Only voice
So listen close, it's
Only for today

I just saw Hayley's comet, shoo-ting
Said ,"Why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"


[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Heres my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Click Here For The Video

Be ashamed, be very ashamed

I'm so sorry to all the girls out there who are a lot

more dedicated than I am... So obviously my

 "eating till I get sick" plan was a horrible

idea. Well, kinda. I pretty much ended

 up eating myself into a coma for

12 hours and woke up with

 the worst stomach pain.

 So besides the fact

that I probably

gained two

 or three lbs after

 last night, I still never

 want to look at a crumb of

food ever again... I feel so sick and

 so shitty today, I think i'll spend some time

 looking up thinspiration to post for myself and

everyone else. Sorry girls, I know I screwed up,

 but just hope that I get better soon

</3

So Sick

This is gonna be short and sweet. I hate holidays and the day

 after the holiday. There is so much food around and I can't

 keep myself from eating it... And I have the next two

 days off from work so I'm sitting in the house

 surrounded by food. So once I got past

my safety zone, I decided that I'm

 just gonna keep eating

 tonight until I get sick.

 I have a good

feeling that if

 I do

 that

 I will

 be permanently

 scared away from

food. Its happened

 before, so here's to doing

permanent mental damage on food.

Horrible Holidays

I must keep this in mind for the next holiday that comes up,

but they are the worst days to try not to eat. And it doesn't help

that I had to go to TWO different houses for Easter dinner, it

was difficult to try and make excuses both times. I was

proud of myself for at least only eating a little bit, but

then I went home and fell asleep for 3 hours and

woke up to a feeding frenzy. I ate handfuls of

chocolate candy and a reese's ice cream

cake... I was so ashamed of myself

and had no one been home I

would've purged...

 (Thanks

 to my

amazing

 Ana Buddy

 Ashley, I now

know how to purge)

I feel so fat and disgusting,

 and at least I have the next two 

days off from work so I think this would

 be a good time to do a two day fast, try and

 get all this shit out of me and get my ass back

on track to skinnyville. I can't stand the sight of

myself anymore, I can't enjoy sex cause I think my boyfriend

 is disgusted by me, I don't want to hang out with my friends because

 I think they're all thinner and more beautiful than me... It's a never

 ending battle and I won't win til there is not one ounce of fat

on my body. Wish me luck girls, I'm gonna need all I can get...

</3

Death is Upon Me...

I ate so much today... I was so weak and hungry and exhausted... 

my boyfriend came home and made me eat... And it made 

me feel so much better, so I kept eating... and eating... and 

eating... And now I'm so full I want to throw up and I 

can't cause I don't know how to make 

myself... I just want this out of me...

Growing Pain

So I got sent home from work early today.. I was

so light-headed and dizzy, my friend Andy told me

I was really pale... So they sent me home

 almost 2 1/2 hours early.. So much

for that paycheck. Anyway, so

thats my new issue. This is all

 still so new to me and

my body that I'm

constantly weak,

 exhausted,

 and light-headed.

 I don't know what

I can do to help. I don't want

 to eat. I wanna keep losing. I wanna

 feel lighter and happier everyday like I have been.

All i've had today is a bite of a banana. I didn't even

 wanna eat that. My boyfriend wanted me to have breakfast

 before work. Plus two cups of coffee later (and lack of sleep

last night), no wonder I'm such a zombie today...

Oh well, I feel thinner already. Not as thin as

 I'd like to be, but I'm getting there. My

 collarbone is more visible now which

 is always a good sign! Wish me luck

 girls ,I'm on my wayout to go buy

 vitamins, hopefully they'll help fix

my situation.

<3

Thank You Lovely Girls

Sorry I didn't post the other night. I got a little sidetracked

 and was away from my computer for a while. Anyway, 

I am proud to say that in 5 days I've lost 3.5 lbs. Its 

doesn't seem like much, but to me, that is a 

milestone. I can't believe I could lose that 

much so quickly. Its still not 

noticeable, at least to me 

its not. But I feel like 

i'm different.

 That my body's 

different. I'd like to think

 that at least. My job is making it

 a lot easier too though. I'm not around 

food all day, I don't pack a lunch and I just drink

 coffee and diet Pepsi. Plus, on top of that, I stock 30-50 lb

 bags of fertilizer, dog food, and etc. It's fantastic. I get a workout

 all day, and eating barely 300-500 calories a day, getting thin isn't 

gonna be that hard. It's just the waiting that sucks. But all in all, 

I thank all you lovely girls out there for inspiring me to take 

initiative to become who I want to be. 

<3

Poison

I haven't even been awake for an hour and I feel sick. I tried to eat a bowl of oatmeal this morning, to give

myself energy cause I have a long day of work ahead of me, and I could only get halfway through it. I feel like I

have infected my body, its burning and churning inside. I've poisoned my system. It's been without a decent

amount of food for too long. It thinks it's a foreign object. An enemy. And it is. My body is learning, learning that

 it doesn't need food, doesn't WANT food. Good body. Thanks for agreeing with me.

I'll post more after work...

Nightmare

I just want this fat to go away. I can't believe I ever even let myself get this bad. It's my own fault. I have no

one else to blame. I was the one who shoved every greasy, salty, sweet, fat dripping morsel into my mouth. I

 hate myself for it. I just wish that one night, all the fat will magically shed from my body and I will be beautiful. 

I know it won't happen. But every day I don't eat, I feel a little lighter every day. Maybe

 one day I'll be light enough that the wind will simply carry me away one day. I can

only dream. For now, I suffer with what I have put upon myself, literally.

Every night, I dream of myself. How I see myself. The fat girl that no one

will love.  And it hurts me to say that, because I have a boyfriend who

loves me dearly. But there is this gaping hole between us.

That will only be filled once he learns all my deep

secrets. All the one's that lay down there at the 

bottom of the hole. He'd have to venture down, 

deep inside me to see who I really am. 

The monster that lays beneath this skin. 

The beautiful monster that is slowly tearing me 

apart from the inside out. The poison it inflicts upon me 

is so deliciously painfully. It keeps me full. Alive. And when

 I disobey it, it taunts me with nightmares. Visions of what it will be like

 when my body has dissolved to nearly nothing. And how I'll never reach

 it if I keep eating. She taunts me. She keeps me going. She wants me to 

be beautiful, and loved. She is just showing me the only path I can 

take to reach it. She knows me. Better than 

I know myself. 

Me and monster.

I Love Dogs

They're my best friends.

 I couldn't get out of eating

dinner. My boyfriend said I had to eat.

He's noticed i'm eating less. I think he may

be suspicious. He made a comment

about "not starving myself", but he

knows i'm on a health food kick

 and didn't want to eat the ham-

burgers and fries. So I made

 my plate, and picked 

at it till he walked

away. I ended up

giving my burger

 to his dog. Good ol'

Diesel, he'll eat anything.

 Unlike me. My boyfriend

probably wouldn't be to happy,

but I had to. I ended up only eating

not even a quarter of the burger and five

 fries. So I guess I didn't do that bad. He

also took me out to breakfast this morning. He's

making this harder for me. But I have to take it with

a grain of salt. I got rid of my evidence, walked into

our room, smiled and thanked him for dinner. It's all

about faking. Putting on a smile and pretending

 nothings wrong. That's the perfect equation for

hiding this. Working, cleaning,

reading... anything

 to keep me

distracted.

Thats all

I need

to do.

~~Coffee, Smokes and Diet Coke. That's What Pretty Girls Are Made Of~~

Just A Dream

I have absolutely no energy anymore. I

just slept for 6 hours... but it was

early evening! Its time for

 bed and I'm just waking up...

 Thats one thing that I

 can't expect to get use to

 considering I work 9 hours a

 day. I'm constantly running around

 and lifting 40/50 lbs bag all day, so having

 no energy is not gonna make my job any easier.

 I'm painfully tired. I didn't even know this was possible.

 My boyfriend told me to go back to sleep, but I can't just

sleep all day. That'll make me feel worse, sicker, and I want

to eat. Eat, Eat, Eat. But I can't! I'm swirling farther and

 farther down into this black hole, but it's sickeningly

sweet and torturous. I can't give up just

yet. Something good is coming. I can feel it.

It Hurts So Good...

I am so hungry and it feels fantastic... The pain is a constant

torture, but when I'm hungry, I feel thinner. But I know I must

eat. Something small. Just to survive. I'll feel like a failure,

 but I Live to be Pretty. And I Eat to Live,  I Don't Live

to Eat. I don't know what to do. I've been living

off Pepsi Max, Coffee, and Cigarettes.

 Every time my stomach growls

though, I get an overwhelming

 senseof gratification throughout my

body. So i'm stuck between eating and

not eating. I can't decide which I really want. I

want to be thinner, so I think I'd not eat. But I can't

stand the headaches and pain anymore. I need it to go

away, at least for a little while... I'll let you know how it goes... 

I Can Feel Myself Getting Thinner

I'm starting to get lightheaded. Accompanied by really bad headaches. But I smile.

 Always. Because every time I walk, or stand still; I feel lighter. And if this is only

 after a few days, then thats fantastic. I can't wait to see what else I can achieve.

 I know I can do it. I can imagine how I would look, and I would look

 fantastic. I can't wait till that day comes, and when it does,

 I will know it is thanks to everyone who gave me

support with my choices. 

I decided today that one

of my rewards for reaching one of my

goal weights (specifically Goal Weight #3), I believe

if I feel comfortable enough at 130 lbs, then I am going to

get my belly button pierced. I always wanted to have one, but I have

always been too large to have one. But when that day comes that I can show off

 my stomach and be proud of what I achieved, it will be the best day ever.

Thank you all. Good Luck.

Salvation in Nothing

I'm not gonna say that I'm trying something new. It's more like taking another path to get to the same place.

     I've always been big, for as long as I can remember. There are faint memories crafted into my mind

 through pictures and stories told by my family. Times when I was apparently a small agile girl. 

Thin, adorable and remembered. After the change, I remember always destroying any 

picture of myself that I could get my hands on. There are few still remaining, 

but I just avoid them like the plague. There was a time a few years ago,

 when I had reached a goal weight that I was proud of. I had achieved

 it with diet and exercise. It was a long, grueling six months, but 

was well worth it in  the end. I was noticed, attractive

to more guys (cuter ones). But shortly after, 

I began to start hating food. It started 

by first being disgusted by seeing

 other people eat, Listening to the 

sloshing, sucking, gurgling sounds. 

Seeing their tongues squirming around, the

 spit sticking to their food. So I started eating alone. 

I then began to hate eating all together. I couldn't stand how my 

hands were always putting something in my mouth. I hated the echoing 

sound in my ears of my teeth clashing over food. My tongue wandering for scraps. 

It was disgusting, a winner-takes-all war between gluttonous beasts. The gorge-fest wasn't 

worth the investment of my life. I gave up. I didn't want that to be a part of my life. I wanted to 

find out how the other half did. I wanted to be like them. Happy like them. Beautiful... like them. So this

 is where I begin. I haven't been at this that long, but my journey has only just begun. I do not have a scale 

in my house, so 155 is what I was last weighed at 2 months ago. But when I see a significant difference in 

myself, I will make a point to find out where I am at. 

~*~

"Thanks for coming along this journey with me, I hope it will be an enjoyable ride."