Nightmare

I just want this fat to go away. I can't believe I ever even let myself get this bad. It's my own fault. I have no

one else to blame. I was the one who shoved every greasy, salty, sweet, fat dripping morsel into my mouth. I

 hate myself for it. I just wish that one night, all the fat will magically shed from my body and I will be beautiful. 

I know it won't happen. But every day I don't eat, I feel a little lighter every day. Maybe

 one day I'll be light enough that the wind will simply carry me away one day. I can

only dream. For now, I suffer with what I have put upon myself, literally.

Every night, I dream of myself. How I see myself. The fat girl that no one

will love.  And it hurts me to say that, because I have a boyfriend who

loves me dearly. But there is this gaping hole between us.

That will only be filled once he learns all my deep

secrets. All the one's that lay down there at the 

bottom of the hole. He'd have to venture down, 

deep inside me to see who I really am. 

The monster that lays beneath this skin. 

The beautiful monster that is slowly tearing me 

apart from the inside out. The poison it inflicts upon me 

is so deliciously painfully. It keeps me full. Alive. And when

 I disobey it, it taunts me with nightmares. Visions of what it will be like

 when my body has dissolved to nearly nothing. And how I'll never reach

 it if I keep eating. She taunts me. She keeps me going. She wants me to 

be beautiful, and loved. She is just showing me the only path I can 

take to reach it. She knows me. Better than 

I know myself. 

Me and monster.